Surviving Family Gatherings When You Feel Misunderstood
For LGBTQ+ individuals, the holiday season can bring up a complex mix of emotions. Love, nostalgia, fear, frustration, grief, hope, and sometimes deep loneliness. You might care about your family and still feel unseen, misgendered, questioned, or pressured to shrink parts of yourself just to get through the day.
If you’ve ever walked into a family gathering bracing yourself for comments, missteps, or silence around your identity… you’re far from alone.
Why the Holidays Can Feel So Hard
Family gatherings can stir up old family roles and unspoken expectations, ones you may have outgrown or ones that never fit you in the first place.
For queer and trans folks, this can look like:
being misgendered or deadnamed
uncomfortable questions about your identity, relationships, or body
relatives avoiding the topic altogether
“jokes,” comments, or microaggressions
political conversations that make you feel unsafe
feeling invisible or hyper-visible
sensing that parts of you are tolerated, not embraced
The truth is, being around people who don’t fully accept you can trigger old wounds—and that doesn’t mean you’re overly sensitive. It means your body and heart are responding to a lack of safety. And that matters.
Step One: Honor What You’re Feeling
Before you show up, pause and ask yourself:
What emotions come up when I think about seeing my family?
Where do I feel that in my body?
What support do I need to get through this?
Your feelings aren’t dramatic or inconvenient, they’re information. They’re letting you know what you need to feel safer and more grounded.
Step Two: Set Boundaries That Honor Your Identity
Boundaries are an act of self-respect. They don’t have to be confrontational—they’re simply information about what feels okay.
Here are LGBTQ+-affirming boundary examples:
“I’m not discussing my dating life or identity today.”
“My pronouns are ___. Please use them.”
“If this conversation continues, I’m stepping out for a break.”
“I’m here to connect—not debate my existence.”
“I won’t engage in conversations that invalidate who I am.”
Boundaries protect you from emotional harm and make space for genuine connection—if it’s possible.
Step Three: Have an Exit Plan for Overwhelming Moments
Overwhelm happens—even when you prepare. Give yourself options:
Step outside for fresh air
Take a break in the bathroom
Text someone who affirms you
Step away to breathe or ground yourself
Leave earlier than expected if you need to
Remember: you don’t owe anyone unlimited access to you.
Step Four: Prepare Gentle but Firm Responses
You don’t have to debate your identity. You don’t have to educate. But many LGBTQ+ people feel caught off guard when comments or questions arise.
Here are scripts you can use:
If someone misgenders you:
“Please use my correct pronouns. It’s important to me.”
If someone asks invasive questions:
“I’m not discussing that today, but thanks for asking.”
If someone makes a harmful comment:
“That’s hurtful. Let’s change the subject.”
If someone pushes their beliefs:
“I’m not here to argue. I’m just here to spend time.”
These phrases let you advocate for yourself without absorbing unnecessary emotional labor.
Step Five: Lean on Chosen Family
Your support network doesn’t need to be blood-related.
Consider:
planning a call before and after the gathering
celebrating separately with queer friends
spending time afterward doing something grounding
reminding yourself who truly sees you
Chosen family is real family. And they can help you stay anchored in your identity when biological family can’t.
Step Six: You Are Allowed to Leave, Or Not Go At All
You don’t have to attend every event. You don’t have to sacrifice your mental health to keep the peace.
You can:
stay briefly
attend virtually
leave early
skip the gathering entirely
Protecting yourself is not selfish, it’s wise.
If family gatherings feel heavy, painful, or complicated, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means you’re showing up as your full self in spaces that haven’t yet learned how to honor you.
You deserve affirmation.
You deserve respect.
You deserve to exist without shrinking, hiding, or explaining.
And if your family can’t offer that yet, you are still whole, still worthy, and still deeply deserving of love. You are not alone. Your community is larger and stronger than you know.
Why Choose Self Embrace Therapy
At Self Embrace Therapy, we offer a safe and inclusive therapeutic space where you can find your voice, share your story, and experience the healing power of vulnerability.
A Personalized Approach: My therapeutic approach is grounded in the belief that your healing journey is unique. I tailor my approach to meet your specific needs.
Inclusive, Affirming Care: As a therapist who identifies as lesbian, I understand the significance of creating an environment that welcomes individuals of all diverse identities and sexual orientations. My research and practice are rooted in sexual and gender diversity, ensuring my LGBTQ+ community receives affirming and compassionate care.
A Collaborative Journey: In our collaborative work together, I will guide you towards insights that lead to a deeper understanding of yourself, your relationships, and your ability to advocate for yourself.
Contact me today to schedule a consultation and begin your journey towards growth and self-discovery.